Lying is done with words and also with silence.

This was this quote that I randomly found while reading miscellaneous Internet jargon today.

Sometimes things pop up in front of you at just the right time, and hit the heart strings or the gut, whichever you prefer. Sometimes they don't mean much, and others, well, can be defining. This was one of those moments. Time will tell which category it falls under.

Before I continue, I want you to keep in mind, what I have written is out of realization, a revelation of sorts. It is not depression, or sadness. In fact it's joy. So be happy and bear with me.


I arrived back from India about 24 hours ago, and yet largely of what was weighing on my mind reached back as much as 11 months ago. Back to something so tiny, so minuscule, that in the moment I had thought nothing of it.

Last summer, at some point in June, a friend of mine and I were discussing the summer that would be. She, who would be one of my staff that summer, was trying to encourage me that I was the man for the job, that I was chosen to be there for a reason. She then turned to the person beside her, looking for confirmation. That person was someone that at the time I had never spoken to, despite having worked at the same place together the summer before, however we would become good friends soon after. Evidently, it was not until quite a bit later that I would realize that her first words to me, would be some of the most impacting words I would receive all summer.

She agreed, "People think very highly of you around here"

I first brushed this off, flattered, I dismissed it to a degree. But it lingered. It was a ticking bomb planted right between my eyes and it would eventually have a chain reaction that I believe has a lot to do with the faith and worldview that I adhere to at this very moment.

I soon came to question the validity behind the comment. "She was just being nice", "I'm sure she would say that to anyone".

But that soon turned ugly and I started to panic. "Why would someone, I don't even know, say such a thing?", "What does she even know about me?", "What kind of things has she heard about me?"

These thoughts filled my head for days afterword, until I came to a sharp conclusion. Either everyone has some mixed up image of me, or I had been lying to everyone, I had been a fraud, leading others to believe I was something I was not.

I felt terrible, all of my hidden faults, that I kept in dark places, shaded from the eyes of those around me, had just been brought into the light, by a single, harmless sentence. They were staring at me, and I felt sick.

I don't believe I blatantly told lies to prove to others that I was a great, or righteous person, but I do question the intent, the purpose behind my actions at times. I feel that in the silence of my own actions and movements, I worked in ways to gain approval and acceptance, at times I suppose even using God as a pawn.

It was a scary thought, and it left me rattled and unsettled for a good period of time. I didn't want it to be that way, I wanted to set things right. But how do you tell everyone that you are not the person they think you are? This sat with me, and stewed in me, but very little changed. Time passed. I forgot about the comment. I forgot about what it meant to me, about me.

Ten months later, I find myself on my way to India to volunteer at Mother Teresa's MOC, remembering those words. They rang in my heart, just like they had before. I began to question why I was going to India, and even why I would help anyone other than myself.

These sound like disgusting questions, and in a way they are. But I understood why people do, and should do these thing, I just didn't understand why I was doing them. I hated the fact that there was any glory in it. And the fact that I felt like I was seeking it. I hated the fact that people told me I was a good person for doing these things. I wish I didn't have the attention. It made everything I did feel fake.

That is until I got to Kalighat

My first stay in Kali will no doubt be a defining moment in my walk in this life. There are little words that will bring any sense to what happened to me there, and what it is I took away from it. But it is nothing short of beautiful. It sounds cliche to say something like that from such a trip, but the truth is unavoidable.

I was given the opportunity to tangibly love people in Kali. I believe it is one of the only times in my life I have found that in myself. There I saw that I could love people, and that I could do it minus the gratification of others patting me on the back, and encouraging me, or even seeing people get better or healed. People simply just don't come there to get better, they come to die. Loving them is the only tool we have available, it's the only thing that matters. So if I couldn't do that, then there would be no reason for me to stay. Things in me had to change, they were forced to.

If God taught me one thing at Kalighat it's this: There is not glory in loving God's people, there is sacrifice, and humility, pain and struggle. But through all this we get glimpses of God's glory and to revel in this, is joy.


Many struggle with self image because they want to be approved, accepted and loved by their peers. I most definitely did. I admit I still do at times. But somewhere a long the line I struggled even more with trying to live up to the existing image that people had of me. This hurt me as much if not more than the former.

The truth of the matter is I had put my worth and value in the scales of those whom I seek acceptance from, devaluing myself and my relationship with them. All of this instead of placing my value in my maker, and centering myself on the thing that I am called to do. Love.

That is it. It's so simple it's crazy. And scary. But Perfect.

This entry is a confession. It's to whomever is reading, listening. For those of you who do, I am ever thankful. Every note, every encouragement that you guys leave for Adam and I has brightened our trip and lives.

I have much more to tell you of my time at Kalighat, so I will try and write one more that pertains more to the events there before I leave for Romania.

Until then, I bid you adieu.