An end to a means.

Where does honestly begin? Where does it end?

Recently I have been trying very hard to put honesty into practice in my life. By that I mean, I say what I want and what I mean. I have found that being honest from the get go of a relationship, or even a random conversation with Joe-guy on the street can be liberating and rewarding.

But at some point, in the practice of honesty, things have to get serious. Not just my inner most secrets and dreams serious, but a serious that involves other people. It involves changing the landscape of even already honest relationships. And that is scary.

In these times, when truth rears it ugly (or beautiful) head things will always change. Sometimes for the better, and sometimes for, well, the worse.

So my problem lies somewhere between speaking these truths, and not speaking them. When is it ok to keep truth to yourself? Is it ever ok? Or should I stop worrying about the end, and continue practicing the means?

This one makes my gut wrench.

Only steps away.

8 months ago it almost felt like this time would never come, it was too far away. But today I can feel it. It's all coming to an end. I always knew that a trip like this would pass much faster than I thought it would. But what I didn't realize is how ready I would be to go home at the end of it.

Over the course of the trip I have had tons of ups and downs, met tons of people whom I won't soon forget, gotten to know people much deeper than I ever had expect, seen things I never thought I would ever have seen, done things that have made my heart beat through my chest. I have learned more about myself than I could have ever hoped. I threw away my plans for my future, made new plans, and then discarded them as well, only to keep dreaming up new ones. I have given my self away, and stolen myself back. Realized that some things aren't as certain as they seem sometimes. Saw amazing hope, amazing love, and amazing faith.

And I loved every individual second of it.

But I am ready. I'm ready to leave this trailblazing life that I so dearly love.

Why?

I'm not sure, but it feels right. It's just time. So the countdown is on.

I'm coming home Canada.

My Honest Thoughts.

Today I was reading the blog of a good friend of mine, a friend who both inspires me to keep writing here as well as offering constant words of encouragement and love at all the right times. Often when reading what she has to write I find out truths about myself, at times things that I don't even want to know or accept. Sometimes it almost feels as if she is writing to me or about me. Anyways, today I was reading her blog, and to the side of the page there was a list that caught my eye. It caught my eye because it has my name on it. It was a list of the blogs that she reads, and mine was one of the listed sites. What caught my attention though is the title she gave it: Mikes Honest Thoughts.

The past week or two I have felt a little strange to be honest. I have felt a weird absence from my normal self. A slight emptiness I guess. I haven't been depressed, or even sad. If fact, I love South East Asia, it's gorgeous. I am with fantastic people, having a fantastic time. But there is just something missing. I've narrowed it done to about a dozen possibilities. Nothings simple.

Over the past few days my friend, whom I met over washing dishes a little more than a year ago, has been challenging me to dig deep and find search hard for answers. And to be completely honest I'm still not sure what the deal is.

However this afternoon I read this Quote by Jack Kerouac:

"The only ones for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn."

Over the past 7 or whatever months I have been traveling, I have over and over and over tried to figure out the person that I want to be when I return home. The "ones" that Kerouac is talking about above, completely describes the kind of person I want to be. I want to be that one.

I have a lot of friends that are Christians, or believers or whatever you like to call it, but I have few friends that I would describe as these "ones". That's not to say that I don't have friends that are those, because I do. And my friend I met a year ago over dishes, is one of them.

By no means is she perfect, but she has a fire in her that I haven't seen in many people. The awesome thing is that fire doesn't come out extravagant ways. It comes out in tiny ways (and trust me tiny is huge in this kingdom). She does the things that excites people that can see beyond the glitter and the glam, and she does them with joy.

So today as I thought about what was missing I stewed on Jacks words, and realized that maybe something isn't actually missing at all. Maybe it's been there right in front of me all along. I know what I want to be. I know how I want to be when this trip ends. The thing is I have to do it now. I have to be mad to live. I need to LIVE. I need not just to live BUT LIVE. Soak each moment, savour each taste, speak the words that need to be spoken, love those who need to be loved, and make no excuses. And I need to do it NOW.

I'm not sure this is the recipe to the weirdness that I feel right now, but I feel....better. Tomorrow is another beautiful new day, and I will give it everything I have, and take everything it has to offer.

As for her, I know she is far to modest to accept these words this easily, but from what I have seen she has been mad to live, mad to believe and mad enough to dare me to move. She burns, burns, burns. And I can't thank her enough for it. And those are just my honest thoughts.

Thoughts on a Platter.

I don't really have anything super significant to share with the masses that frequent my blog ( or rather the few), but I thought I would maybe sit down and see what little things I can throw out off the top of my head. We have free Internet and there is no one waiting for the computer, so I better take advantage. So we'll see where this leads me....or us.

Thailand is incredible beautiful. No where else have I seen the rawness of creation in the same way as I have here. India, Romania, South Africa, they all have incredible country sides, coasts, and scenery, but realistically they don't compare. This is next level.

Laos, while not the same, is equally as beautiful. If you ask me.

It's funny how it took me 7 months of traveling (even longer for those I haven't seen since last summer) to REALLY start missing people. I mean really. There are people that I miss at the core of my being right now, and in a way it feels good. It reminds me that there's a reason why I am going home, why I am coming to camp, and why I can't just disappear and wander the earth for the rest of my life. Despite the temptation.

I think a little too much sometimes, but I don't let it on (I think). I mean I try not to let it on. Recently I have been trying to not think so much. Just a little less. It's been good actually. At times I tire myself out, but it's the way I'm wired. Anyone who has had any communication with me recently can testify to that.

We have been traveling with Andrea Brown and four of her friends from teachers college in Australia. It's been very good for me to have people around, just so refreshing to be in a small community again. Plus they are all hilarious.

I'm getting oddly used to 16 hour bus rides. Three weeks ago, I never wanted to see another bus in my life. Since then I have been on several more, the last being two consecutive over nighters (16 hours) and it wasn't half bad.

Laos, may be the most chilled out place I have ever been. The locals are a lot like Thai people, but their accents are far less harsh and they are much quieter. Everyone is so friendly. Every restaurant is basically a bunch of beds that lay around a table. Brilliant.

I'm in a reading funk. I can't find anything that has gripped me for a little while. Any suggestions?

Can I tell you how excited I am to be back at camp, and not be on leadership? It may only be for a couple weeks, but it will be so great to be there and just be a part of the everyday routine. Nothing too serious, just doing what's asked of me, and then have some fun. It will be quality.

Alright well that's enough for now. Nothing very exciting here, but it's something. And somethings better than nothing....sometimes.

Paint me a Picture.

Sometimes I want to add pictures to my blog. Pictures of me, the places I have been, the beautiful people that I have come across. Sometimes I scour through the thousands of photos that Adam and myself have taken over the past 6 months, thinking of which ones I could add here. And every time I come to the same conclusion: There is no photo that I have come across that is adequate to accompany the words I write. And please believe me, this is not out of arrogance. In fact I also believe that the exact opposite is just as true. I have yet to be able to write words that justly portray what can be captured by a camera. Take the photo at the title of this blog for instance. At the current time it is a beautiful photo of a small Romanian friend of mine, Raul, and myself playing basketball, captured by Joni Allardyce (www.joniallardyce.com, Credit given where credit's due). I have tried to write words to bring out the personal meaning and joy of that photo. It hasn't worked. I mean I can't. The picture says everything that needs to be said.

I thought about this for quite sometime the other day (I had a 17 hour bus ride to help) and I began to list in my head the way that pictures and words compare and contrast:

Pictures can raise emotions
While words can steal the heart.
Pictures can show you everything
While words can give depth to everything.
Pictures can share a moment
While Words can bring two moments together.
Pictures can help us relive the past
While Words can change the future.
Pictures can tell a thousand words
While 10 words can paint a beautiful picture.

So, I realized that, despite my fairly new found passion for the art of photography, this isn't about pictures at all. This is about words. And it isn't confined to the ones I write. It includes them, along with the ones others write, the ones I speak, the ones others speak, the ones I see, read and hear. All words. The ones you use, AND the ones you don't

I have come to realise that the power in words is huge. No, it's humongous. They are both an amazing tool and a massive burden to everyone who uses them. And that's everyone.

It causes me to reflect on my own words of choice. What are the words that most commonly pop in my day to day conversation? How careful am I with my words? Do the negative words I use outweigh the positive ones?

As Adam and I have studied the book of Matthew over the past month, I have come to realise that Jesus really had a passion and a peculiarness for words. In Matt. 12:34, Jesus responds to the negative words of the Pharisees by first drooping the classic, "You brood of vipers!" line before saying, "How can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." He then reiterates this in chapter 15 by saying, "What goes into a mans mouth does not make him unclean, but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him unclean"..."But the things that come out of the mouth, come from the heart, and these make a man unclean."

Isn't it kind of funny how in a day and age where human rights (In Western society at least) have reached new heights, that we still use the language we use? While we waltz around pretending to love everyone equally and honestly, we drop phrases such as "This is gay" or "Don't be a Jew", amongst many others. Our excuse is that we don't mean anything negative against those people, it's just a phrase, something people say. But if you believe in Jesus, and believe in the words he spoke and is saying, then you most certainly must also believe that these words are much more than just simple words. They are the overflow of our hearts. They are much, much more than just meaningless phrases. They are who we are, in the deepest way imaginable.

So this goes much deeper than the outward lashes of negative language. It goes far beyond telling someone that they "suck" or using language that marginalizes and suppresses certain people. This goes for the words that no one ever even hear. The smallest of utterances. Under our breathes. In the most private of places. These are what determines what we are, inside out.

But this is only half the equation. Later on in Matthew (ch.25) Jesus tells the disciples the oft-quoted phrase, " I tell you the truth, whatever you did for the least of these brothers of mine you did for me. This implies that not only do the negative words we use reflect our hearts, they fall onto Jesus himself as well. Heavy. But here's the big thing. Look a little further down that passage and you'll find Jesus flip that sentence around. "I tell you the truth, whatever you did NOT do for one of the least of these, you did NOT do for me."

So It's not just about the words we use, It's about the ones we don't as well. How often do we not give credit or praise to others because we are too selfish? How often do we just walk by the homeless guy asking for money, pretending we can't hear what he is saying? How often are we scared to say the things that we know need to be said?

Words have the power to hurt, suppress, and even bring death, but they also have the ability to bring joy, love, and they can even breath life into people is used truthfully. Key word being truthful. It doesn't mean every word we ever speak will be fluff, it just means that everything will be spoken out of faith, love and unselfishness. I believe that we are a generation confused about words. We need to look deep into ourselves, our hearts and begin to use words that reflect the love, joy, and truth that we know. Words can bring darkness, but they can just as easily make that darkness tremble.

I know this sounds like the most accusatory and condemning blog entry I have written, but please believe me this is written first to the self. Myself. I am talking about me here, because I know there are things I need to change. However there is also the hope that I am not alone in this conviction, and that maybe my words will fall on the right ears. And if that happens, then these words won't be wasted.

I'd like to hear what you have to say about this. So if you agree, disagree, have a comment, hate me or like me, please, paint me a picture.